Killing Time
by alterfano
Summary: InuYasha and Sesshomaru are stuck together for three days without their swords. Can the prickly brothers kill time together without killing each other instead? An attempt at incharacter comedy. Rated T for language and depictions of adults behaving badly.
1. Chapter 1

_Author's Note: I set out to do a lighthearted comedy – trying to keep Sesshy and Inu in character. Tough to do. Hope I pulled it off. I had to make InuYasha laugh, though. Not sure I've ever actually seen that in the canon story. But it made the story funnier. And if he did laugh, I'm sure this is how he would do it Takes place roughly after Manga chapter 425, when Sesshomaru has revealed his reforged Tenseiga to InuYasha and the gang, and before chapter 426…And of course, I don't own or claim these great characters and story lines, just embellish them joyfully!_

**Killing Time - Chapter 1**

**Summoned**

**By: Fano**

InuYasha lay under a tree, eyes closed, trying to relax and waiting for someone to come up with some clue as to where the hell this Yourei Taisei was he was supposed to train with, or Naraku, or something. Anything! He was so incredibly bored. He'd already scoured the hills and forests around here for days, finding jack shit of use to him. He was tired. And pissed off.

He couldn't stop thinking about his stupid brother. Not only had the bastard managed to get Toutousai to reforge the Tensaiga into an actual weapon, but that asshole had the gall to insult InuYasha _and_ the Tetsusaiga – in front of everyone – saying _InuYasha, you worm … you've lost your way._ Asshole!

A small puff of air and a sharp pinprick on his nose flew his eyes open to see a rapidly expanding Myoga ballooning off his face. **Whap! **Myoga floated down to the ground, still bloated, and InuYasha's face smarted. Why did he always hit the damn flea so hard?

"What the fuck do you want, flea?" InuYasha snarled, rubbing his nose and twitching his ears irritably.

"Master InuYasha," the flea squeaked as he hit the dirt, "I have come bearing a request from Toutousai."

"So?" InuYasha scooped the flea up and held him to his face to watch the flea **Pop!** back into shape. "Why the hell should I care what that shriveled up old fossil says? He sent me on this fucking snipe hunt in the first place."

"He has summoned both you and Lord Sesshomaru to attend him for three days," Myoga straightened himself up to his full two centimeter stature and took on the haughty demeanor that the vassal of an ancient demon lord's house should display. "I suggest that you go to him."

"Keh!" InuYasha lifted his other hand to flick the annoying little demon into a bush. He rolled over on his side. _Summoned! Ha! I bet Sesshomaru won't let himself be 'summoned to attend' the old fart. That asshole, Toutousai. He can't 'summon' me!_

"Master InuYasha," Myoga materialized from the bush to plant himself on the hanyou's neck and get a good suck in before InuYasha gave him another **Whap!**

"You are one fucking annoying flea, flea!" InuYasha stood up this time and stomped on the little demon just as he hit the dirt for the second time.

"Lord Sesshomaru has already arrived at Toutousai's," the flea scolded the unruly son of his lord, "you, too, should be on your way."

"Sesshomaru's already there?" InuYasha stopped his foot in mid stomp. "What the hell for?"

"I can't say," Myoga skittered to the side, trying to avoid the inevitable crush of his lord's heel for the second time. "But I will accompany you, if you wish."

InuYasha lowered his foot more gently, missing the little punk, probably the closest thing to a grandfather he had.

"Accompany me?" He said almost absentmindedly. "I don't need any company." Looking down to find the missing flea, he said, "idiot," and he tried unsuccessfully to stomp on Myoga again, who had found a convenient rock to hide under.

"So you will attend Toutousai?" Myoga would have smiled if he could have.

"No, I will not 'attend him,' you idiot," InuYasha fumed at the mere suggestion.

"I will go get Kilala," the flea demon said with glee evident in his voice.

"You are such an idiot!" InuYasha called after him, still fuming.

InuYasha arrived at Toutousai's early the next morning, to find Au-un parked outside the seething magma pool that was Toutousai's front yard. Sesshomaru's stench permeated the place, overpowering even the sulphuric acid fumes puffing up from the rocky, oozing soil. Asking Kilala to stay in the vicinity, he entered the monstrous aquatic beast's remains that passed for Toutousai's home, keeping his hand casually draped on Tetsusaiga's hilt, just in case this was a trap laid by his brother. Or, he reminded himself, it could just as easily be a trap laid by the two scheming demons that used to do his father's bidding, and still did as far as InuYasha could tell. Stupid traitors they were, half the time.

"Ah, InuYasha," Toutousai's thin, strained voice met him at the house's mouth, "you've joined us after all."

"Keh!" InuYasha stepped into the forge-light, taking in the sight of his brother standing against the wall across from the old man, crouched as usual in front of the glowing embers. Myoga materialized out of InuYasha's hair, right where that damn itch had been all through the flight here, and bounced over to sit on Toutousai's shoulder. _Why don't you bite him, you moron?_ InuYasha thought, but kept his mouth shut to focus on Sesshomaru. He hated even being near his half-brother.

"InuYasha," Sesshomaru's smooth, deep voice dripped his name like bile coming up from his innards. "how disgusting that you have joined us."

_Love you too, asshole,_ InuYasha thought to himself, but left it at a scowl.

"Now that you are both here," Toutousai wheezed, "I must take your swords."

"What!" InuYasha was immediately in a defensive stance, right hand gripping Tetsusaiga, ready to slice the old man in half. "What did you just say, you old fart?"

"Explain yourself," Sesshomaru's voice had become deadly as he swiveled to glare at the old man. Toutousai cringed for a moment, cowering before the remains of the Demon Dog clan.

"I said, give me your swords," Toutousai had a truly amazing way of commanding from a position of weakness. "I must hone them both, and I must do it while they are together." He cringed some more as InuYasha took a threatening step forward, inviting more information. "They were forged together, and they must be honed together."

No one moved as Toutousai took a deep breath, blowing out when Myoga broke the tension by bouncing up and down on his shoulder. "InuYasha-sama, please. This will help you 'find your way' with Tesusaiga!"

Blood boiled up into an angry blush on InuYasha's face as Myoga so carelessly threw his brother's insult back at him – in front of the asshole, no less! The flea was so tactless. Myoga noticed his master's ire and jumped into Toutousai's hair knot to disappear. Toutousai raised his blackened gnarled fingers to scratch his head.

"How long?" Sesshomaru had not moved. InuYasha turned in surprise to look at the tall demon towering over everything in the room. Was he actually considering giving Tensaiga to the old coot?

"Three days," Toutousai said, absentmindedly scratching harder at his scalp.

"I will kill you on the morning of the fourth day if Tensaiga is not back in my possession … improved," Sesshomaru stepped forward and presented the hilt of his newly-appreciated heirloom to the old man. He walked out the door, completely ignoring InuYasha.

"Got it!" Toutousai called to his receding back. "Dead. I hear 'ya!" he lifted the sword to examine its blade carefully, mumbling to himself something about an insolent pup.

InuYasha relaxed his stance a bit, but did not take his hand from Tetsusaiga, uncertain what to do. Three days without his sword. Three days in the vicinity of his murderous brother. Three days of having to put up with this shit.

"Hm," Toutousai raised the Tensaiga to the heated light of the forge, "he does take good care of it, I'll give him that." He laid the Sword of the Otherword aside carefully and turned to InuYasha. "Well?" he said in his most irritating voice, "give me the sword already."

"I'll 'give you the sword', you old bastard," InuYasha said, gripping his father's gift harder and moved back into battle posture.

Toutousai looked bored, "Come on, little one, hand it over." He stood slowly, "I've got a deadline to keep." Walking over to InuYasha, he put his hand on InuYasha's wrist like a vise, forcing the half-demon's grip to loosen with great strength and reaching to pull Tetsusaiga from its sheath. InuYasha's sword-arm was completely immobilized, and that pissed him off. With his free hand he bopped the swordsmith on the head, causing a large knot to form in seconds. "Ouch!"

"You can't just take my sword, asshole!" InuYasha's embarrassment burned his cheeks.

"I just did," the old man said as he turned his back on the younger man to raise the weapon to the forge-light as he had with Tensaiga moments before. "Ah! Look at the damage!" he clucked, "don't you ever sharpen my handiwork like I showed you?"

"Keh!" InuYasha spat to cover the fact that he was guilty as charged.

"Master InuYasha," Myoga bounced back over to the hanyou's shoulder. "Good for you! You'll be glad you did it!" He celebrated by jumping to his master's nose for a celebratory suck.

"Shut the fuck up," InuYasha said as **_Whap! _**he smashed his face . "My fucking brother may have given you until the fourth day, old man, but I'm here at sunset on the third." He turned to stalk outside.

"Oh, I'm scaaaaarrrreed," came the old smith's mocking voice trailing after him.

_Asshole!_ InuYasha thought as he walked out on the steaming ground to find a place to wait. _Why do I have a feeling I'm going to regret this?_

_Coming Soon … Day 1_


	2. Chapter 2

**Killing Time - Chapter 2**

**Stuck Together**

DAY 1 +

InuYasha headed towards the one livable space of clearing in Toutousai's entire neighborhood. Three scrawny trees and two boulders surrounded a firepit the old coot used in the heat of the summer to cook his food, the embers in his house driving even him out into the relative cool. As he expected, his asshole brother was already there, having taken the higher boulder and planted himself on it like a king on his throne, surveying the vast expanse of nothingness. InuYasha growled and jumped up in the larger tree, determined not to place himself physically below the asshole down there. Unfortunately, the tree wasn't very stable, and it wavered a bit under his weight. _Great, I'm going to live the next three days in fucking fear of falling out this fucking tree. That'll make even my fucking brother laugh. _

_\_

"Fuck!" he said to the air.

"Such anger, little brother," Sesshomaru's voice was liquid hate. "You lose control too easily. It is unbecoming behavior for the son of a royal house."

"Fuck you."

"Your crude language would never be tolerated in your father's domain." Sesshomaru unconsciously took on the paternalistic tone of a demon schoolmarm.

"Like you never get angry," InuYasha sneered. "If your so, all, 'sweetness and light,' why do you keep after Naraku all the time. Why don't you just leave him to me already?"

"You will not be able to kill him."

"What the fuck to do you care?"

"Stop using that word."

"What? Fuck?" InuYasha saw the scowl on his half-brother's face, and his ears swiveled forward as he realized that this word really bugged the arrogant bastard.

To test the theory he said, "Fuck." Sesshomaru's nose twitched.

"Fuck." An eyebrow tick this time.

"Fuck." A frown.

"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!"

Sesshomaru abruptly stood up and walked outside the desolate little clearing, his back to InuYasha, who started laughing.

"Right. You never get mad." He kept laughing, noticing how stiff Sesshomaru's back was. _Maybe this isn't going to be so bad after all, _he thought to himself.

Silence fell upon them again, and they left it there as the day progressed. InuYasha was hugely bored, but he wasn't going to give in and actually talk to Sesshomaru. He'd rather die of boredom than be the first one to speak.

"Oyoyoyoyyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoy," the strangled sound of hunger rose from Sesshomaru's stomach, booming through the clearing to wake InuYasha from his stupor in the late afternoon. "Oyoyoy …. Oy."

"What the fuck was that?" InuYasha said, wonder breaking into his voice. "Are you actually hungry? Do you even eat?"

Sesshomaru looked away and remained silent.

"I had no clue you actually lowered yourself to normal low-life activities like eating. Do you burp too?" InuYasha was on a roll. "Oh, my god! If you eat and burp, you must pee, too! Oh! Oh!" he almost panted with anticipation at his next quip, "and fart!" He started laughing again, only stopping to announce to the wilderness, "my brother, the great lord of the Dog Demon clan! He fucking farts like the rest of us!" InuYasha lost himself in laughter, tears rolling down his cheeks, until his tree buckled a little and he gulped up a laugh while trying to steady himself.

Sesshomaru was still. It occurred to his younger brother as the chuckles subsided and he gasped for breath that he was provoking one badass demon and he didn't have Tetsusaiga with him for comfort. "Heh, heh ….." he breathed heavily for a minute, waiting.

No word came from his brother. "Oyoyoyoyyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoy," InuYasha started giggling again.

"Why don't you just go get some food?" InuYasha asked finally, somehow sensing this might be a sore spot.

"What? You're obviously hungry." InuYasha probed a bit more, "go hunt down some food already." More silence.

"I do not hunt anymore." It was hard to read any emotion in the flat voice that rose to his tree, but InuYasha could tell there was a story behind it.

"Huh," InuYasha sounded skeptical. He almost made a quip about the difficulty of being a one-armed hunter, but thought better of it. He did have to survive the next two days, after all, and he was sure Sesshomaru was fully aware that he was missing an arm – all thanks to his little hanyou brother. But that didn't mean he was going to let this one go. "So, what do you eat? The souls of the dead? That would certainly explain your personality."_ Ha!_ He thought to himself, _got him with that one._

"No. I leave them to your girlfriend." _Ouch. A swipe at Kikyo, that bastard!_

"You're a vegetarian?" InuYasha needed a good comeback, and this worked for him. He couldn't help it, he busted up laughing again. The very thought of his predatory brother sitting down to a plate of vegetables made him giddy. Once he had calmed down again a few minutes later, Sesshomaru spoke.

"A true lord does not need to hunt," the snootiness in his voice caused InuYasha's eyes to roll of their own accord, "My manservant hunts for me."

"Manservant?" InuYasha was incredulous. "You mean your _toad_servant, Jaken?" InuYasha smiled at this pathetic excuse. "Give me a break, Sesshomaru. That imp couldn't kill a piece of meat if it was already dead." He tried hard not laugh, imagining Jaken trying to stab a dead boar and missing completely. "You're lying." He waited, wondering if Sesshomaru's pride would let him get away with an outright fib.

Apparently not. With absolutely no hint of contrition, Sesshomaru said, straightening himself, "my gut no longer … tolerates … the venom from my claws." Sesshomaru turned to InuYasha. "And Jaken is quite handy with the 'staff of two heads.' He has learned over the years to crisp my prey to a perfect medium rare."

"No shit," InuYasha put on a good act of being amazed. "You've got acid reflux, so Jaken becomes a chef." He laughed again. "That's rich."

Quiet filled the air once again. No birds. No insects. Nothing but the occasional bubble of lava popping somewhere in the distance. Night fell and the stars came out. InuYasha's butt was getting tired of this wobbly tree, so he jumped down to build a fire. Sesshomaru did not budge.

"Don't bother to help, asshole," InuYasha snarled as he sliced down the smaller of the trees and cut it neatly into small planks with his claws.

"Why do you bother with a fire?" Sesshomaru sounded genuinely curious, at least as curious as a flat, totally emotionless voice could sound.

"Why not?" InuYasha set about stacking the wood over the little bark shreds he was going to use for kindling. "Humans do it all the time." He cringed as soon as he word 'human' came out of his mouth. Now he knew he was in for a lecture about how awful humans were, how they had ruined the land for the demons, and how they all deserved to die horrible, disgusting deaths.

"Humans," here it came, Sesshomaru's voice was full of disdain. "they are so weak and irrational."

"Keh!" InuYasha was aware of the irony of his expletive, defending humans, indeed! He didn't care though. Anything to disagree with his brother.

"You scoff," the elder brother intoned, "and you stupidly put yourself at the mercy of those silly creatures." He shook his head ever so slightly. "if only you understood the demon realm, its symmetry, its elegant simplicity …" his voice trailed off dramatically, like an actor waiting for applause.

"Keh!" said InuYasha again. "What you don't know about humans would fill a baseball stadium." He felt quite smug using an analogy he was sure Sesshomaru would not understand. He was richly rewarded.

"A what?" Sesshomaru accidentally blurted out. He quickly regained his composure, lifting his knee to place it on the boulder again, _trying too hard to look regal, _InuYasha noticed.

"A baseball stadium," InuYasha did not try to hide the satisfaction of besting his brother in vocabulary, even if he was cheating by picking a word that would not be invented for several centuries. He reached up to give an unconscious tug on his baseball cap, and briefly thanked Kagome.

"Oh," Sesshomaru said uncertainly, "a bazbul stadum." He cleared his throat. "Of course, but …," InuYasha saw that he was trying to come up with a comeback, "what you don't know about demons could fill the … the sky."

The retort hung briefly in the air between them, and then fell flat on the ground. InuYasha almost thought he heard an audible splat.

"Oh, good comeback, bro." InuYasha turned away to finish making the fire, shaking his head with mock sadness. "Can't you even tell a fucking joke?"

_Coming Soon … Day 2_


	3. Chapter 3

_Author's Note: Thanks for Okaasan7 for reviewing. Reviews totally make my day!_

**Killing Time - Chapter 3**

**Brothers At Last**

DAY 2 +

That night, InuYasha could hardly sleep because Sesshomaru's stomach would not shut up. He woke early to find that his half-brother was asleep with his eyes open, at least that was the only thing InuYasha could imagine left him glassy eyed and staring straight ahead no matter what the younger man did to get his attention. He waved his hand in front of his eyes. Jumped up and down and finally made a stupid face, sticking his tongue out and rolling his eyes. Nothing.

InuYasha was now getting dangerously hungry and followed his nose a couple of miles away to a nice little stream, the only sign of life in the area, for some fish. He decided he couldn't put up with Sesshomaru's attitude just yet, so he stayed by the stream to build another fire and cook them. They were tasty and he didn't fully wash up afterwards so that Sesshomaru would be sure to smell breakfast on him. He headed back, excited about the possibility of tormenting his brother merely by being in the same clearing with him.

His plan seemed to work. As soon as he entered the clearing and took up his post in the tree, he saw Sesshomaru's nose flare as he took in the scent of roasted fish.

"You stink," Sesshomaru said, looking quite a bit like he had when InuYasha thought he was asleep.

"Yep," InuYasha said with great satisfaction, "and I stink good, don't I?" Sesshomaru's nose flared again and InuYasha could tell he was supremely annoyed.

"Oyoyoyoyyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoy," InuYasha snuffled into his sleeve, but left it alone this time. Didn't want that one to get old. Sesshomaru seemed to want to change the subject anyway.

"You are like an animal, up in that tree."

"Oh. I see," InuYasha was ready to take the bait, boredom having set in again. "I'm the animal? Even though you're the one that turns into a big, dumb-ass dog when you get pissed off."

"Everything about you degrades our family," Sesshomaru was sounding even more stuck-up than usual, if that was possible.

"About me?" InuYasha felt a little anger seep into his otherwise good natured morning, "What about me is 'degrading'?"

"So very many things." maybe Sesshomaru was bored too. "Your ears, for example."

"What's wrong with my ears?" InuYasha took a new position on his perch, pulling his feet under him and putting his hands on them as his knees splayed out on either side of his elbows, making him look for all the world like a large red frog with doggie ears.

"You probably don't know this, but you have your Great Uncle Beezou's ears," his brother actually seemed to be having fun with this, which put InuYasha on his guard. "Beezou was the laughing stock of the realm in the East. No matter what form he took, his ears would not transform."

InuYasha wasn't taking the bait, so Sesshomaru tried another approach, "they were silly."

Silence. "Everyone laughed at them."

InuYasha started a low growl, which gave Sesshomaru courage for the final blow, "they were often mistaken for kitty ears."

_Ouch. That one hurt._ A particularly embarrassing memory of Kagome's friends tugging on his ears and calling him 'kitty kat' came back to him with a red bloom across his cheeks.

"Yeah?" InuYasha couldn't think of very much to say, but he had to say something. "Well, you don't have any friends." He sat back on the branch again and folded his arms. His last shot came out sounding really lame. "Nobody likes you." Sesshomaru was silent, but the hanyou could swear he saw a smug tug at the corner of the demon's mouth. _Asshole._

The day wore on, largely in silence. At one point Toutousai emerged, and called to them with a whistle and a "hear, boy!" InuYasha came bounding over to bop him on the head, followed shortly by Sesshomaru, who came with a more measured pace and a withering look.

"I need you to move that boulder over there and place it against the outside vent to the forge," he pointed at a spot on the ground, his other hand absentmindedly scratching at his scalp.

"Why?" InuYasha asked.

"For what purpose?" Sesshomaru asked.

"Because I'm busy working on your damn swords," Toutousai was really agitated, "it's a rush job, remember?" He stomped back into the house. Myoga bounced out of his hair knot.

"Master Inuyasha!" he bounced up a down several times on the ground.

"Hey, flea," InuYasha stomped on him for effect. "What's up?"

"You didn't have to do that," Myoga said in a strangled voice as he **_Popped! _**Back to normal. "Toutousai has been working very hard on both the Tetsusaiga and Tensaiga. He labored all night. I think you will be very pleased."

"We are so very excited," Sesshomaru said, sarcasm dripping from his fangs. Then Sesshomaru, the Lord of the Dog Demon clan, stomped on the flea.

"Hey!" Myoga squeaked again. **_Pop!_** You can't to that to me! Only Master InuYasha can squash me like a bug!" Sesshomaru gave him an _I just did, you idiot_ look and InuYasha busted up.

"Good one, bro!" he almost slapped his brother on the back and then thought better of it, "Myoga, he can do it if I let him." Both the dog demon spawn looked down at Myoga with a _try it again, runt_ look and the little flea grumbled something rude about unappreciative sons and bounced away.

The two brothers looked at each other for a moment, wondering at the fact that for the first time other than a Naraku fight, they had actually been on the same side of anything. InuYasha didn't know what to say, so he distracted himself with the boulder.

"I'll get the boulder," he walked over to where the rock lay, at least twice his height. He set his shoulder against it and pushed. It didn't budge. _What's with this stupid thing?_ He thought as he tried once again unsuccessfully to move the stone. "Shit!" InuYasha exhaled as he released the pressure.

"There is no need for such filthy language," Sesshomaru approached, "you are obviously not strong enough to handle this simple request." He then put a clawed hand to InuYasha's shoulder, pushing him roughly away from the boulder. InuYasha stumbled back a step.

"What?" InuYasha was incredulous. Had his asshole brother just shoved him? He stood and watched as Sesshomaru was also unsuccessful at moving the stone. "Haha! Who's not strong enough?" He moved forward to shove his brother in the back and stood in the same spot, pitting all his strength at it. Not an inch.

He looked up to see Sesshomaru with a deadly expression on his face, the one that usually came right before his mouth split his face open to reveal huge canine incisors.

"You touched me!" His brother's voice was low and dangerous, rising the hairs on the back of InuYasha's neck. This had the unfortunate effect of stimulating the hanyou's own aggressive instincts.

"You shoved me first!" InuYasha took a fighting stance, watching carefully as his brother's claws rose in front of him. Sesshomaru reached out and pushed at his shoulder again, deliberately trying to provoke InuYasha into an attack. Well, InuYasha wasn't so stupid as to fall for that one. He reached out and shoved at Sesshomaru's puffy thing, not even sure he felt the shoulder underneath, there was so much fluff to get through. What was that stupid thing, anyway?

Sesshomaru's eyes glowed red and he shoved InuYasha. Who shoved Sesshomaru. Who shoved InuYasha. Who … this went on for at least five minutes. It was just starting to get comical, when Toutousai came out of his house again, carrying a large bucket of embers.

"Oh, for crying out …," Toutousai put the bucket down and stalked over to where the boys were playing. "Stop it, you two!" He broke through the middle of their skirmish and walked around the back of the boulder. They heard the clink of a chain and the boulder began to move all by itself. The brothers both looked dumbstruck as they watched the boulder swivel in place and then start to follow along behind Toutousai as he dragged it across the yard, yanking it by a chain that had been fixed to an eye-link in the ground. No wonder they couldn't move the damn thing.

"Would you two stop messing around?" Toutousai was irritated even beyond normal. He put the boulder in place and climbed up the back of it to where a chute reached several man-heights above the ground. Pouring the embers down the chute, he descended and headed back inside, ignoring his surprised clients.

"Why the hell do you need a boulder for that?" InuYasha was feeling stung, and decided to point out how idiotic the need to move the boulder was in the first place.

"Because it's so easy to move it!" Toutousai snapped as he disappeared again.

Neither brother looked at the other as they turned to walk back to their stupid little clearing.

Later that afternoon, the silence was even more boring.

_Coming Soon … Day 3_


	4. Chapter 4

**Killing Time - Chapter 4**

**Who's Is Bigger?**

DAY 3 +

"Oyoyoyoyyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoy," InuYasha rolled his eyes awake early the next morning. _Not this again_, he thought has he sat up in his tree, only to realize it was his own stomach making the embarrassing noise. Time to eat.

It occurred to him that he had a rare chance to hunt small game today, and he took off seeking a compelling scent. About an hour later, he returned with two good sized rabbits. As he made the fire, he heard a scuffle behind him and turned to find Sesshomaru, eyes reddening into a mindless state, tearing at one of the rabbits in frenzied hunger.

"Whoa!" Adrenaline shot through InuYasha as he took in the sight of the half transformed, rabid dog behind him. Instinct took over and he tossed the other rabbit away from his brother and dove in to try to grab what remained of the first one, snarling and snapping. Thanks to the fact that Sesshomaru had trouble balancing on his one remaining forward paw, InuYasha managed to get a good hold on the rabbit's hind legs with one of his clawed hands and pulled, throwing his body weight into the struggle. Sesshomaru had not fully transformed, but he had the rabbit's head in his mouth. He pulled back, hiking his rear end into the air, and setting himself into what would become known as a perfect yoga pose someday far in the future.

InuYasha set his jaw. He was not going to let go. Neither was his asshole brother. The tug-of-war continued for a few moments until a sickening **_R-i-i-i-p-p-p_** signaled the end of the rabbit as a whole creature. InuYasha retreated with his half, snatching the other rabbit carcass, and retreated to the other side of the clearing to watch as the half transformed monster before him crunched and slurped his way through the remains. It was disgusting to watch.

"That's gross," InuYasha said as Sesshomaru returned to "normal" and began licking his fingers, carefully avoiding the nails.

"Hmmmm," was his only reply.

"Hey, I worked hard for these stupid rabbits!" InuYasha was really getting angry, not that it seemed to have any affect. "Rabbit is a delicacy for me these days, and you had to go and rip one of 'em up!" InuYasha was fuming now and he walked backward towards the firepit, awkwardly avoiding rocks and sticks he couldn't see, careful to keep his breakfast close and protected. _Not turning my back on you again, _he thought_, that's for sure._

"A delicacy …," Sesshomaru sensed an opening. "Why didn't you hunt rabbit yesterday?" Sesshomaru was goading him. Unfortunately, InuYasha was easily goaded when he was angry.

"I forgot! Alright?" InuYasha stalked about the clearing finishing the fire. "Shut the fuck up!"

"Forgot?"

"Yeah!" InuYasha threw some wood down next to the fire, talking more to himself than to his goading brother, "I fucking forgot that when Kagome's not around, I don't have to keep my promise not to eat cute, fuzzy creatures. Shit!" He jumped back, barely avoiding a log which dropped out of his arms from his load of firewood.

"Now I see," Sesshomaru's voice was triumphant under its inscrutable flatness, _Whoops, shouldn't have said that_, InuYasha cringed inside. Sesshomaru continued, "Yet another way you've disgraced our father's name."

"What?"

"Inu no Taisho would be appalled to know his son was pussy-whipped into being a pescetarian1 by a mere human girl," Sesshomaru actually deigned to shake his head, "tsk, tsk,tsk." Coming from him, this sounded like a snake's hiss. InuYasha's ears flattened back on his skull, but his closest kin was not done. "A girl that can subdue him, no less, with the humiliating 'sit!' command."

"Not funny, brother," InuYasha had forgotten all about his rabbits and was facing his tormentor, a dangerous position between predators. All the light hearted fun had disappeared from the clearing as the two faced each other. Sesshomaru was picking a fight. The silence stretched. InuYasha really didn't feel like getting into a fight, he was too hungry, but he couldn't just let his stupid brother get away with this challenge to his manhood.

"Oyoyoyoyyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoy," Sesshomaru's stomach grumbled into the clearing, giving InuYasha the opening he needed to get back to his rabbits.

"Ha!" InuYasha declared victory without lifting a claw, "just sit over there on your stupid boulder and watch me eat!" To his satisfaction, Sesshomaru's implacable expression looked vaguely annoyed.

Emboldened again, InuYasha eyed his brother carefully as he cleaned off his breakfast and spitted it for the fire. An underhanded idea struck him. _Sure, why not?_

"At least I have a real woman," _Two, in fact,_ he thought, but InuYasha wisely decided he'd better keep his mouth shut about the dead one, "not some little girl following me around all the time." He sniggered, "a kid and a toad, quite the following you have, oh great Lord of the Dog Demon Clan."

"What are you suggesting?" Sesshomaru's face had become deadly again, losing all its 'humor,' his eyes bleeding red.

"Ah, never mind," InuYasha finally got a bite of his tasty breakfast, which was almost as good as pissing off his brother.

"You are not suggesting anything about Rin, are you?" the cracked demon smile was beginning to appear again. _I wonder if that hurts, _thought InuYasha absentmindedly as he took another bite. "Tell me!" Sesshomaru hissed.

"I'm not suggesting anything, jerk," InuYasha said between bites. "It's just that you're always hanging out with her." He swallowed. "She's kinda cute. I just figured you were, you know, kinda saving her for later, that's all." _Oh boy, now I'm going to get it._

"I see." Unexpectedly, Sesshomaru's face returned to normal. "Well, your assumptions are misguided by your own low-life tastes. I would never deign to be mated to a human, no matter how old she grows to be." InuYasha saw an opening. His stomach full, he was ready for this one.

"Oh. Now _I_ see," InuYasha tossed his rabbit bones into the fire, "you're holding out for that beautiful dog demoness to come waltzing into your life." Sesshomaru was silent, sensing a trap.

"You won't marry outside your clan, right?" InuYasha took on a haughty voice, attempting poorly to imitate his brother, "correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't you the last pureblood dog demon alive?"

Silence.

"No clan, no mate."

Silence.

"Now I know why you don't like the word 'fuck,'" InuYasha laughed cruelly, "you never get any!"

Sesshomaru's face hardly changed, but his reaction was clear. _Score! _InuYasha cheered to himself.

There was a long pause, perfectly timed for maximum impact.

"And you do?" Sesshomaru's voice was deep and biting.

_Ouch! _

The day wore on. InuYasha was watching the sun carefully; waiting for the time he could go to Toutousai and demand his sword back. Sesshomaru was more talkative today, trying to bait his half brother into a verbal fistfight every few minutes. It was exhausting. Here is an example of how stupid it got:

Sesshomaru: _Your mother was a weak-willed human._

InuYasha: _Oh, yeah? Well your mom was a bitch!_

Pause: ---

Sesshomaru: _Not exactly. She was a Purebred bitch._

Or this:

Sesshomaru: _Dad liked you best._

InuYasha: _Duh!_

Finally, when the sun hung halfway over the horizon, Toutousai emerged with the two swords tucked under his arm. InuYasha bounded over to him, bopped him on the head and said, "gimme my sword!"

Toutousai grimaced and held tight to the swords until Sesshomaru walked up and stood shoulder-to-shoulder with InuYasha. InuYasha stepped to the side a bit. Toutousai then presented the two swords to their rightful owners. Sesshomaru's Tensaiga was long, strong and straight, while InuYasha's Tetsusaiga was its usual rusty, slightly bent self and – _what the fuck?_

"What did you do to my sword, old man?" InuYasha took his precious sword and held it up to look at it more closely.

"I honed it, just like I said I would, you ingrate," Toutousai was obviously in no mood to mince words today.

"Like hell you did!" InuYasha was getting really mad. "Look!" He held his sword out parallel to Sesshomaru's, hilt to hilt, so that the blades thrust out together in front of the two brothers.

"What are we looking at?" Sesshomaru was enjoying the fact that InuYasha was upset, even though he didn't seem to understand why.

"Can't you see?' InuYasha's hand was shaking he was so angry now.

"See what?" Toutousai was examining the two blades as well.

"His is bigger than mine!" InuYasha screamed at them both. "It didn't used to be! You made it shorter!"

Toutousai rolled his eyes. "You are obviously still inexperienced," the old man sighed. "With time, you will come to understand that it's not about how big it is..."

"…but how well it fits inside your enemy," Sesshomaru finished for him, smugness oozing through this words.

InuYasha looked at them like they had two heads each. "What the fuck are you talking about?"

The last few days with his brother must have really started to wear on Sesshomaru, or he was just really bored, because he seemed to be enjoying this conversation in a very out-of-character way, considering where it was going

"Come, InuYasha, you must know by now that," he paused for dramatic effect, "it's not the meat, it's the motion." He snarled out some kind of weird snuffle, which InuYasha took for humor. God, this guy could not tell a joke!

Up to this point, InuYasha was only vaguely aware of what they were talking about. Suddenly, it occurred to him and he recoiled, disgusted at the thought of his brother's …. But then he saw a new opening.

"I'm talking about the sword, you idiots," InuYasha drew himself up to his full height, eye-to-nose with Sesshomaru and towering over Toutousai. "Don't even _think_ you can win the other competition."

"Hmmmm," Sesshomaru seemed to be considering this challenge.

"Oh, no." Toutousai looked appalled and backed away a step.

Sesshomaru was looking his brother up and down, apparently in a new light, assessing the likelihood that his shorter stature might not carry through to a horizontal orientation. Clearly testing his brother's courage, he drawled the fateful words that would seal their challenge, "prove it," he said dryly.

InuYasha's blood ran cold. The stupidity of his latest bravery came home to him very suddenly. This was not a challenge he could possibly win on skill, daring or sheer ballsiness. This was just a straight out gamble. And if he lost … he would really have to kill is dumb-ass brother once and for all.

Still standing ramrod straight, he sheathed Tetsuisaiga --

"No!" Two voices screamed in protest this time. Toutousai was backing away, hands up to his eyes to protect himself from horrible sights, Myoga was bouncing on his shoulder. "Please don't go there, Master InuYasha!"

InuYasha decided to buy some time, "and how, exactly, would we judge this little … uh … contest."

Both sets of golden eyes looked to Toutousai and Myoga.

"Absolutely not!" Myoga screamed so loud they all heard him from deep within Toutousai's hair knot. Toutousai was silent. With a terrified expression, he just shook his head spasmodically _no, no, no!_

InuYasha looked at Sesshomaru, who looked at InuYasha. Their eyes locked for a moment. Decades of hatred and distrust glared back at them. But now that hatred and distrust was tempered by something else. Maybe it was just the shared experience of killing time together for the first time in their lives. Whatever it was, an understanding passed between them, a joint plot to get themselves out of this mess.

As on a cue, Sesshomaru straightened up, hitching his thumbs into his deep yellow sash. InuYasha kept his eyes on him, wondering if he had read his brother's signals right or was just walking into yet another trap. Sesshomaru glanced at him in an inviting way and took a step toward Toutousai. InuYasha followed his lead, ready to bolt for Kilala and run far, far away at the first sign that his idiot brother intended to actually go through with this farce.

Together, they stalked the great Dog Demon's servants, backing Toutousai against his skeleton of a house. Both brothers were putting on a good show of manliness, puffing their chests out and swaggering just a bit. They looked very intimidating to Toutousai and Myoga, and very stupid to Kilala and Au-un, who waited patiently nearby.

"No. No. No." The old man was whimpering now.

"You will judge this contest for us," Sesshomaru's voice was as cold and ruthless as ever, "will you not?"

"No way!" Myoga cryed again, from somewhere on the roof of the house. Obviously the little coward was running away. _One down, _InuYasha thought with relief.

Sesshomaru's eyes bored into Toutoutsai, the unspoken question clear. InuYasha had to hand it to his brother, his asshole nature was really coming in handy for a change.

"InuYasha save me!" Toutousai inched towards him and clung to his sleeve. Time to play along.

"Hey, cut that out!" InuYasha yanked his sleeve away from the grimy fingers. "This is important, old man! We need you. Don't chicken out on us now." For effect, praying fervently that the old man would just do the right thing and run away already, he took his hands to his waist and started to untie his hakama pants. _Come on, idiot, run away! Run away!_ To his consternation, the old man just hid his face again.

InuYasha turned to Sesshomaru with widening eyes, giving his brother a _come-on-asshole- don't-leave-me-hangin'-here _lookHe saw a shadow of concern pass over his brother's smooth features. But Sesshomaru seemed to have decided he didn't want to go through with this any more than his little brother. He set his jaw and reached for his yellow sash, untying it to reveal the armor beneath. _Lucky shit, _thought InuYasha, _he's got a bunch of layers, and I've just got my haori._ Time to turn up the intimidation heat.

"Toutousai!" InuYasha's voice was as threatening as he could make it, which, he realized, was only about a quarter as scary sounding as his brother, spurring another _help-me-out_ look to his half sibling, "Open your damned eyes and tell us who wins!"

"No!" Toutousai was so cowered now, it was pathetic. "Whoever loses will kill me!"

"If you don't open your eyes right now," did Sesshomaru just gulp? "we will both kill you anyway." Sesshomaru's voice was so evil that it sent a chill up InuYasha's spine.

"Ahhhhh!" Toutousai cried and the world was engulfed in flames.

When the smoke cleared, the smith was gone, along with his cow-demon-thing and both boys were singed and covered in soot. They stood stock still for a moment, waiting to make sure the old fart was really gone. Nothing moved until InuYasha breathed a big sigh of relief. He noticed Sesshomaru's shoulders relax just a smidge as he went to tie his sash again. He turned to move to Au-un, no look or acknowledgement to his younger brother that they had just spent three days together – bonding – sortof. InuYasha was relieved, but he saw another opening and couldn't resist taking it.

"Hey, asshole!" InuYasha yelled to the demon's receding back. "Where are you going so fast?" Sesshomaru stopped but did not turn around.

"Our time is over," he was back to his charming self.

"What!" Glee was breaking into InuYasha's voice again, "what about our contest? You're not chickening out just because those worms did, are you?" He could tell from the set of Sesshomaru's back that he was indeed chickening out. _Yes! Got him!_

"Come on, bro," InuYasha was having a hard time containing his laughter, "drop your pants already."

Sesshomaru turned to look at him, a _tell-me-you're-not-serious_ expression on his face just after InuYasah had given Kilala the signal to meet him in the air.

"Got 'cha!" InuYasha soared into the space over his brother's white fuzzy head on the way to Kilala.

As he flew away, watching Sesshomaru turn into a little white speck on the ground, he thought to himself, _man I like getting the last word!_ When he arrived back where he had started this little adventure, Kagome came rushing up to him.

"InuYasha!" Boy, she sure loved to say his name. He'd missed that these last three days. "Are you ok? We were worried about you, and we've got a lead on Yourei Taisei. Are you ready to go?"

"Yep, I'm rested and ready," he was in a good mood, having finally bested his brother in so many satisfying ways.

"Um," Kagome had a cute little blush spreading over her cheeks, she must be noticing the extra manliness clinging to him from his successful battles with Sesshomaru these last few days. "Um …," her blush was getting deeper, "why are your pants falling down?"

To his horror, he looked down to see that he'd forgotten to retie his hakama pants, which were now sagging down around his knees.

_Fuck!_

END

1 A Pescetarian is vegetarian who eats fish.


End file.
